Sometimes getting up is the worst fate of all when you suffer from depression because just when you see a little light, life throws a wrench and knocks you on your ass… Show off your vanity URL's in your facebook fanpage… http://cybersweetness.com
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The task at hand is a large one. I have to reach inside myself and find the strength to make my dreams happen… it is not an easy thing to do. In 2 months I have to beat my addictions, I have to turn each of my blogs into a success by being engaging enough to get people to read them. I have to get all my 9 youtube channels to partner and hope to hell that is enough money where I am able to move to malta where I can start my new life. I am tried of living in Edmonton, a place I am unhappy in. I want to wake up each morning with a purpose. I want my life to matter, to be able to say when I am old that I left this world a better place than when I found it. The problem is the enormity of the task sometimes is daunting and online is a cruel place full of cruel people. Maybe it is my fault… on youtube you have to push the limits.. it actually is a really sad commentary on our world how to get views on youtube you have to appeal to the lowest common denominator…
One foot in front of the other… they call me igebadia.. http://youtube.com/gebalove please subscribe and help me reach for the stars.. gosh that is cheezy.. but what the heck.,..Posted via email from Gebalove
In a moment when the sadness goes away you go to a mall and with all the care in the world you make a care package for a girl who is starting school again.. you pay $80 to send it to her… and then 3 months later you get a package in the male with COD for $80… it is the package.. your mom is there.. you say it likely got stopped at the boarder.. the guy says no it just wasn't picked up at the post office.. things are good with the girl.. and she is a chaotic crazy personality that.. am I just making excuses for the fact that the woman I love always walk all over me.. people say you will find someone else.. but I don't ever want to know another girl.. not intimately.. this is the story of my life.. as I tell my tales you shall see how I always get walked all over by girls.. how they all treat me the same way… they look inside and see a broken man and it is my fault.. I do not have the courage to stand up for myself.. now I need to go put on a brave face.. if you choose to comment please know this is something I cannot respond to.. this I need to get out and lock away inside.. or it will send me… to my bed wondering about life.. I feel the sadness coming.. the dominos…
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I made this video about depression and how often it is like a domino effect.
This was a comment made by a tuber: "Seems like you understand the way your mind works and your thought processes…Posted via email from Gebalove
Here I sit at 10 am in the morning. It is time to go to bed for me because this is the pattern my life without a job has taken. I have 2 months left to find my way back to the emotional stability to find a job that pays $2500 take home a month or bad things will happen. People look at me and think I am fine. The tree only falls in the forest when we see it fall. They do not see the inner struggle inside. The way I reduced my world to places, things and actions that will not cause me emotion. How I never listen to music, some movies I cannot watch and outside is a place that terrifies me. It is crazy right. What sane person would act such ways? But I am not a sane person. I am a man who looks at everything with fear… always asking is this a variable that will lead me to that very, very dark place.
How can I get job when I cannot find enough will power in me to get up and go outside? How can I work in an office when I am terrified of people because I know my emotions will lie to me and I will over react or under react or not react. Everything I say.. I write.. I do.. I over analyze because so often in life I have been so wrong. I have no answers.. there are no pills…I pray an angel shows me the way… you know the hardest part… it is I just need the right people to believe in me.. to tell me.. the one thing I have noticed is how so rarely in life do we bother to tell people they are amazing…. at least nobody does to me.. the right people I should say… it is always the right people.. the people we attach worth too… I have no answers.. so I lay here afraid to go to sleep cause waking up at 10 pm… looking at the dark world is a special kind of hell… almost as bad as looking at the world at 8 am and realizing you don't matter… not in anyway that makes you smile… So I will watch farscape.. I really bad scifi show on itunes.. that I have not seen… if you know me… I guess the way to think about it is when you date a girl she will never tell you what is wrong because if you had cared you would of known.. once she tells you it is too late….this blog is for me… I do not want your help… but I do think the cousin I never met rocks.. about the only member of my family I feel that way about…Posted via email from Gebalove
http://www.youtube.com/AsathecomicTV2 said about ‘Suicidal Tweets + Rhianna Goes Rated R!
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Sometimes it takes a friend being cruel to truly love you. There have been two woman in my life who loved me enough to be cruel so I might find my way. See happiness cannot be found in another. Happiness can only be found when it is found within us. When we start to take control of our lives and look inside us for strength. I am starting to find that… something inside me which I had lost. Will.. but for at least moment I have will inside me and so I have hope. Today I turned down sex. It is the first time in my life where I said no. I want more than this for life..
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The problem with trying to get clean.. to let go of all the vices that come with depression is the body tells the mind no. The mind then tells the heart there are many good reasons to need a drink or a smoke to survive. The main one being life sucks if forced to live it without some kind of high. It is always the same way with me. Just when I start feeling good enough to beat my vices something happens or doesn't happen and the need grows strong in me. I end up spending another day on the floor staring at some TV show unable to deal with life. I have all these truly hilarious skits that I plan to do but the silence of my life, the lonliness of it overwhelms me.
The sad reality I am facing is nobody can fix that inside me. Why should I have to tell people to call or care? I shouldn't… I won't.. anyone who already knows me had the chance to get to know me.. or maybe they didn't.. maybe the problem is simply they are associated with a life I don't want. I don't want to be here in Edmonton.. I want to be in Malta… I want to leave Canada and never return. It isn't that I don't love my country I just dislike north america.. I like the heart of Europe… the way they see life and live it.. the way they remember to take time to enjoy life where we take time to work harder… I am such a liar but the fact people I know read this blog changes the honesty of it.. what was a place for me to get the madness out has become a place where I censor my truth because if we are truly honest it would scare people… people who know you want to help and they can't… they can't change or do anything.. my madness is my own..not anyone elses.. I want out of edmonton because I hate the place with all my heart.. It is home to all my bad memories and very few good.. I want to leave on a jet plane.. and never return again… they call me igebadia google it or check out my youtube channel.. http://youtube.com/igebadiaPosted via email from Gebalove
I don't like life very much right now.. I find where I live hard to handle cause it is like waking up each day and seeing all the things I have failed at in my life… I want so much to move to malta where I have friends.. people I can talk to but I need to save $10000… I know if I apply myself to my youtube channels and share my stories it will be easy enough but I find it so hard to shut out the voices telling me I will fail.. edmonton is like that for me.. a place where I fail… I feel trapped within this place.. I feel the voices ripping at my heart.. trying to steal life from me.. wanting me to fail… I only long for eternal sleep here.. but am even too afraid to experience that.. most days I walk around like a zombie with a hole inside his chest.. the realization that love is a precursor to depression has shook me to the core.. to know I will never experience ever after has broken me cause I cannot and will not risk another depressive episode.. but what then I ask… what is the meaning of life if it is not love… and that is the question I have because I am a poet… and for a poet with no hope of love.. suddenly the world is black and white… a dreary place…
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It is all I want in life… to move to malta where I have friends… to wake up each morning to the smell of the salty air.. to dance with seagals.. although they have none… but seagals are the sailers lost at see… it is how I will go…. I will take a boat into a stormy night… challenge the untamed sea.. and join captain ahab beneath its salty grasp… that is if I ever make it to malta….tis a dream
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